i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
