How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
