i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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