two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
