one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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