i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
