good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
