i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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