So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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