I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
