i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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