her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
