He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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