Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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