i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
