how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
im holly from the hills drunk
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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