Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
