You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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