also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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