I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
