Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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