I haven't been this sober since birth.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
