I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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