You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
