life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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