Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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