my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
