And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
