I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
