If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize