I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
