these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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