I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
