worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize