I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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