Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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