babies were throwing up all over the place
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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