well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
