On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
50% drunk capacity currently
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
