Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
