In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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