btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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