I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
organizing the empties. That sober.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
