if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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