if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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