There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
