my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
