guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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