I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
