I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
