your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
