Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
