how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
