im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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