HIV tests are more positive than that guy
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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