I want to walk on stilts...naked
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
