she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
