Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
