why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
