I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
