I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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